Life-Changing?

I have so much on my mind tonight. I don't know if I'll ever be able to sleep. AM and AF have been asleep since before I got back tonight. I had some long discussions today. I cried today. Then, I cried again. I'm still not 100% sure where it came from but it came and as much as I want to ignore it, I can't.

J. is new on the scene. I met him a few days ago. He's a missionary of sorts. He has a beautiful wife and two gorgeous children and amazing stories. J. has been everywhere—he's met so many people—he has so many beautiful and perfect stories. They empower me. They stick dangerous ideas in my head.

It's no secret that I'm not even a pastor yet and I battle so much with my convictions and my call. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to proclaim open-minded, all-inclusive, Christ-love in the midst of an institution that so often doesn't see that it's doing harm. Church is such a dangerous idea sometimes. Why, if I feel this way, was I called to it?

J. wanted to start churches and was very good at it. He wanted to plant churches in multi-ethnic parts of his conference that didn't have any. His conference wouldn't back him up. It was more a part of their plan to simply grow the churches they already had (never giving those areas without a church the chance to be reached). So, J. left. He's a Free Methodist now. He explained to me tonight exactly what that was. I knew the history of the FM's but wasn't sure about their polity.

So, J. started churches. He did work all over the world. He married his wife in China. He teaches others about evangelism. He also teaches some seminary classes (including homiletics). There's been this part of me for two days now that has thought, “I could do that. I even want to do that. I even feel empowered to do that!”

So, in my last year of seminary, marriage on the horizon, Craig still has 2 years of school left, and a conference that (I hope) will be anxiously awaiting to appoint me next year, what exactly does that mean for me? For 10 years now I've been preparing for this, praying for this, battling this, studying for this, asking for guidance of others.....and here I am—wanting to traipse all over the place to reach the 2 billion that still haven't even heard his name.

I took a walk tonight before a few of us went out to dinner. I walked over by the lake that is behind the conference center as the sun was setting behind the lake. I sat on a bench—the first time I'd really been alone for days. I sang to myself, “Down to the River to Pray.” I just started crying. So many here have these amazing stories of their call experience and their conversion experience. They saw God so clearly of heard God's voice so definitively. I did at one point—but not like they did. I had no miraculous experience. I prayed to God tonight asking why I couldn't have that—why didn't I get to have a miraculous experience. I said, “Why can't you show me Jesus walking on that lake in front of me!?” Then, 2 native birds, that I'd been watching for days, flew down and landed on the lake. It was beautiful.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this. My heart is actually hurting. I don't think I can spend my life wrapped up in one committee meeting or conference after another—but I don't know. There are times I love that too. I want to be missional as Dr. Worrell has said. I want so badly to be the church in and of myself—the one that reaches people and changes lives—the one fulfilling the Great Commission. What on earth do I do?